2-23-11

OK, so I give up on trying to remember to do this every single day. Some days I just don't have a lot to say and instead of writing gibberish I am going to focus on only writing when I feel I have something pertinent to share. I promise I am not being lazy because I really do enjoy my blog. Sometimes though there just isn't anything to be said.

Today, however, I want to share something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Finding true love. I don't mean love from parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, or friends. I mean that one true, everlasting, unconditional, butterflies in your belly kind of love. Though I thought I had found it a few years ago I was mistaken. I thought "praise God" I have waited so very long for this...now, my life's newest chapter will begin!

Well, here I am two years later and two years older...still hoping for that elusive love to find me. I know that my life's timeline is up to God and I do have faith in that, but the waiting can sometimes be unbearable. Thankfully I am a strong self reliant person who knows without a shadow of a doubt that I can thrive on my own. The thing is...I don't want to.

So many people say, "you're better off by yourself. You don't have all the crap to put up with that we do!". QUIT SAYING THAT...IT IS INFURIATING! I want the crap. Crap is a part of life, but it isn't your entire life. Most of us live pretty happy lives. Sure, the mundane tasks of day to day life wear away at you, but all you have to do is put a little "umph" back into your life. Change your routine. Get a new hobby. Reconnect with some old friends, etc.

When you are in a relationship, in all it's wonderfully crappy glory, you at least have someone by your side going through it with you. Imagine always watching that scary movie by yourself, learning how to cook for one and eating 3 days of leftovers when you misjudge a recipe, snuggling up with pillows and blankets all the time, not being able to go on shared vacations with your best friends/family who are married (well, and not feeling like a 3rd wheel), being out to dinner with a group and being asked "are you the only one on this check?"...yes I am, ALWAYS!

"Would I like some cheese with that whine???" No, I want someone to share my life with! It comes so easily for some. Why is it so hard for others of us? I know God has a plan for me and I am being patient, but that doesn't mean that I cannot question my singleness sometimes. Most of the time I am fine because I have a wonderful family and many friends who help fill the void of a missing significant other in my life. Sometimes though I simply want to not feel like there is something wrong with me because I am 33 and single.

Believe me, it isn't a choice I have made. However, I have made the choice not to settle and not to ignore my moral compass for the sake of having someone. It isn't that important. I want to be happy, fulfilled, and hopefully be married and good Lord willing have children. It is my biggest desire in life, but it doesn't dictate who I am. Being a good Christian, daughter, sister, aunt, sister-in-law, and friend are what define me. Hopefully, one day I can add wife and mother to that list...

God Bless,
Tammy

p.s.
If you know of any God fearing, loyal, funny,
kid loving, responsible, hard-working men...
send them my way or light a fire under them
to say hi, go for coffee with me, or whatever!
I know that someone for me is out there. I may
already have them in my life...we just haven't
made that next step...who knows!

Day 31- My Birthday

Happy 33rd Birthday to me! Wow, things sure haven't turned out like I anticipated. Not better, not worse...just different. Hopefully this next year will have some new and exciting adventures, new friends, hopefully a possible love, and more time with friends and family.

Some people are surprised when they ask how old I am and I automatically tell them. I guess any woman over the age of 25 is supposed to hate growing older. Believe me, I don't mind...the alternative is not what I want :) I am so thankful that I never have to do high school again! I have a few things (like my major) that I would change from college, but not much else for the most part. Of course, there are some decisions made since then that I would probably revisit, but all in all my life has been good!

Instead of viewing my birthday as an "Oh Crap...I haven't done ____________ yet!" I am trying to look at all of the positive things about my life so far. Also, there is much to look forward to! I don't know what lies ahead, but that is part of the intrigue of it all. So, here's to being 33 and looking forward to the coming year and all that follow. May they be full of love, hope, and joy!

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 30

A random act brightened my day today. Customers have been in and out of the store all day long. I even had a guy come in, well, he'd been sent on a makeup mission. LOL Then, I had a younger lady come in who was "just window shopping". After a little chitchat and a quick discussion about how to, in the most ladylike fashion, get your dainties back to their original position (ladies, you know what I am talking about!) she headed for the door. As I opened it up for her to exit she unexpectedly gave me a hug and wished me a blessed day!

Isn't it amazing how something as trivial as a random hug can make you feel so much better. I don't know this person and she may very well never step foot in my shop again, but for today we were friends. Her simple gesture made my day. Have you ever had something like this happen to you? How did you react? How did it make you feel?

I think that we should all work a lot harder on committing these random acts of kindness. Buy coffee for the person behind you in line at Starbucks. Pump gas for the little old couple next time you're at the gas station. Take the mail and newspaper to your neighbor's door. You never know who may need a smile!

I got an extra hug today that led me to a smile...may you be as blessed!

Tammy

Days 26-29 (Oops...I got a bit behind!)

     Should have, would have, could have...the mantra for wallowing in self pity, denial, and depression! I should have done _______, then I would have _______, and I could have ____! You fill in the blanks. We all have circumstances that we wish we could go back and change. Unfortunately for us, H.G. Wells just wrote The Time Machine...he didn't event one.
Even if you could go back in time, should you? would you?

     Life is about learning from the mistakes and inactions of the past to make our futures better. If we were able to fix everything we did or didn't do I am not sure we would ever truly learn anything. You have to be able to evaluate situations for what they are and make an educated guess as to what the new outcome may be. It may be better or it may be worse. That is called life!

     There are too many times in my life that I have dwelled upon the shoulda, woulda, coulda's! Had I taken the energy spent wallowing in what didn't go a certain way I may have been able to figure out a way to make something better happen. We (humans) tend to get mucked down in the past. What we need to do is remember that our time on earth is short and we don't need to waste any time on unnecessary things. We need to be making the most of every single minute, hour, and day.

    This has been overly evident the past few days. People live short, medium, and long lives. Every one of them leave behind people who love them and wish for just a little more time with them. Especially those gone to soon. I am struck by just how diverse the loss of the past few weeks has been: the one year anniversary of the loss of a 17 year old, the 30 year old mother of 3 who passed away unexpectedly, the 65 year old father of a friend, and the 84 year old gentlemen from church.

   You never know when your name will be called...today, tomorrow, next week, next year, or 50 years from now. Please take the time to remember what is truly important in life and live it to its fullest. Put aside the should have, would have, could haves and focus on the what will be's of your life. I promise you'll be happier!

God Bless,
Tammy

    

Day 25

The Rose:

     With Valentine's Day quickly approaching roses are a hot item. Nothing says "I love you" like a rose...supposedly. Now comes the big decision: red, pink, white, yellow, or some hybrid color. Each color has something that it represents, but honestly I don't care what color they are as long as I get one!

    In my nearly 33 years on this spinning mound of dirt and water we call Earth I have never recieved flowers from any other man except my Daddy. Every year he goes out and gets anywere from 1 to 3 roses each for my Mama and I. He brings them to us a few days before Valentine's so that we can enjoy them longer. :)

    I don't know if he realizes just how much they mean to me. To know that there is at least one man in my life that loves me unconditionally and cares enough to get me flowers is one of the best feelings in the world. In all my years and the few relationships I have had I have not been dating anyone on Valentine's Day. Each year I think...could this be the year? If I am not dating anyone the girl in me fantasizes about having flowers delivered from that guy that I really like and care for that probably doesn't even know I am alive. Hey, you have to believe in something!

    One of these days I will have someone who sends me flowers for no reason at all. FYI...if it ever comes up, I don't have a flower preference and I love one bud as much as a bouquet :) It isn't about the quantity. It's about taking the time to let someone know that you care about them. Plus, flowers are beautiful and I hate the thought of ending their lives for a huge bouquet if one gets the job done.

     Roses can perk up you, make you smile, bring a tear, and make great memories. I know I have many of those thanks to my Daddy. He is such a great guy and may possibly be why I am still single (LOL)...whomever I end up with is going to have a lot to live up to. I have had the best example of a real man my entire life in my dad. He is strong, hard working, loving, peaceful, kind, funny, loyal, and giving. I hope you have someone in your life who makes you feel just as loved. :)

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 23/24

SNOWBOUND...I know that we don't have it anywhere nearly as rough as Laura Ingalls Wilder, but good grief...enough is enough. I haven't left my building since Tuesday night. I know that is only 2 days, but when you live by yourself and you only see your neighbors if you happen to be in the parking lot at the same time (downfall to living downtown) it can get a bit lonely.

I have watched movies, cooked, cleaned, worked on a jigsaw puzzle, and contemplated life's uttermost mysteries (well, the ones that pertain to me) and I am tired of it all. I am ready for a windows down, stereo up, wind blowing through my hair and 75 degrees kind of day. A day where I take off driving down country roads turning left and right by which way looks prettier and not caring where it ends up. A day where you stumble across a little country store that still sells coke in a bottle and candy by the bag full. A day where I can reminisce about all the great summer days I spent with my grandparents and great aunt at her store.

Oh, to go back to the days when things were more simple. Back when snow days from school were looked forward to. Now, all I envision is a bill that may not get paid because we haven't had any business in going on 3 days. Yuck! I don't want to be a grown up anymore! Well, maybe 21 or 22 again. When I was still in college and didn't yet grasp the reality that was about to hit! LOL

So, here's to lazy summer days! May they be abundant this year to make up for all this crap weather we've had the past few months. May you take the time to make the most of them. Go for walk, swing on the front porch, go fishing, hit the lake, lay on a blanket and count stars...there are so many wonderful "little things" we take for granted. I hope you enjoy each and every one of them you are blessed to have.

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 22

21 days...supposedly that is how long it takes to change a habit or get accustomed to a new one. Today marks my 22nd day of my blog. As you can tell there have been a couple of days that I forgot and had to do two days in one. I have also been doing "Lose it for Life" for about that long. There have been a few days that I misstepped with it as well.

The key is this: don't give up just because you have an "off day". You haven't failed...you just have to get right back on the horse and start again. I'll be honest. Blogging is easier than changing my eating and excercise routines! We, Americans/human beings, associate food so much with fellowship and rewards that we forget that we don't have to consume a lot of food to sustain ourselves. We only need enough fuel to keep our bodies going.

Counting calories, keeping track of points, avoiding carbs and sugars, drinking lots of water, steering clear of desserts, and the like are sure fire ways to fail in the long run. Oh, don't get me wrong, you have to start somewhere. What is important though is keeping it up...making life changes. You also have to remember that there really aren't any forbidden foods. Portion control is the key to success. A simple taste of something will suffice, you don't have to have the whole serving or eat the entire box of cookies to be satsified.

We live in excess in many areas of our lives. Food. Fun. Material possesions and so on and so on. What we need to do is learn to live with enough to satisfy our desires, but more importantly our needs. We don't need to live in huge homes, drive expensive vehicles, eat out every night, own every CD/DVD/Video game, get our nails done each week, or play golf every day. These are all examples of living in excess. We could survive on a  much more simple scale if we realized that we can't take it with us when we go and don't need it to be successful as human beings.

I challenge you to find 3 things in your life that could be viewed as "excessive". Take the time to think about why that particular indulgence is deemed necessary. Then figure out a way to do with less of it. It may not be easy, but I think that after some time...say 21 days, you'll realize that it isn't as important as you once thought it was.

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 20/21

Well, I have embarked on yet another self-discovery/self-discipline endeavor. For years I have heard about Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, but I have never taken the course. Last night was the first of 13 meetings to help us find our way to financia peace. So far, what I learned has been doable. I won't say it will be easy, but absolutely doable over time.

The hardest part about joining the class at this particular time is that I really don't have any finances to be at peace with! Being self-employed doesn't make for a large paycheck every week. Luckily my living expenses are tied into my business expenses, but I don't have a lot of cash to actually budget. My goal is taking the class now is to learn as much as I can...then,when the time comes that I do have cash flow I will be equipped with the most sound stratagies for staying out of debt :)

I'll be honest. For being someone who is good at math, I am not as well equipped when it comes to finances. I've never really been all that great at reconciling checking accounts or understanding interest/compound interest/rates, etc. For the life of me I cannot figure out why in the world every teenager isn't made to take BASIC MATH in high school! Just because you are an advanced student who can ace Algebra and Geometry doesn't mean you know a hill of beans about checking accounts, minimum wage, percentages, figuring tax, or counting back change. Basic math offers lessons in all of the every day math scenerios. That would have been much more helpful to me than signs, cosigns, tangents, proofs, theorums, and quadratic equations!

Hopefully, over the next few months (91 days) I will get all the necessary tools for successfully winning the finance war! It can only get better I assume. Whether or not I adopt all of the principles is yet to be determined, but at least I will have the option to. The biggest problem is knowing where to start...especially when I don't have a lot of money to begin with! I will get it figured out eventually! :) 

Have a great week,
Tammy

Day 19

Today is one of those days when I wish that I could magically transport myself to a deserted island where I had not a care in the world. Where nothing was an issue outside of deciding how long to lay on my stomach before flipping over so I don't burn. What I would give to be able to just breathe...

It is hard to make it through life with only yourself to worry about. When you add family members, friends, and others to that list it makes for difficult situations being made more difficult. Why can't we all calmly, rationally, and without assigning blame work through issues. They are what they are for better or worse. Belittling those around you who you supposedly love is no way to get your point across.

What good does it do to continually make others feel as if they are not warranted in their emotions? How is it fair to assume that you are the only person in the entire world who has burdens to care around that you didn't ask for? How can you get through these times still loving one another if all you do is resent someone for making you feel inferior, useless, and like you are the biggest disappointment to them? Last time I checked it takes more than one person to get into certain situations...just because you feel guilty and are well past the point of resentment you need to learn how not to make those around you feel like pond scum!!!!

Lord, grant me the patience to get through life as unscathed as possible. Help me find the patience and words to deal with the situation life has handed me and try my very best to work through the issues. Give me the hope and peace of knowing that something better lies ahead!

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 18

Hello all (well, maybe the one person who reads this! :) Thankfully, today has been uneventful. Yesterday was such a trying day. It was full of tears, worry, happiness...you name it I probably felt it. It was blessed because my friend's little girl made it through surgery okay, but if you read yesterday's post you know it was tragic in the loss of a young man much too soon.

What I didn't talk about yesterday is something that I just found out about that has me worried. It involved someone very close to me, but until more tests are done I don't want to comment about exactly what is going on. I would, however, like to ask for prayers. Prayers of healing. Prayers that the doctors hunch is not what they think it may be. Prayers that I can be strong for this person in the mean time and after more information comes to light.

The "in between" sucks. Not knowing is somehow harder than knowing. At least with knowledge and information comes the ability to work through something. Answers can be found or consequences can be dealt with. The unknown is scary. :(

Heading to Nashville to visit with my friend's at the Children's Hospital so I will sign off for now...

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 17

Today has been a tough day...two of my closest friends lost a loved friend and I was who got the job of letting them know. He was only 23 years old and has been battling some inner demons for a long time. This morning he succombed to those demons and took his own life. He made a very profound final letter to friends and family on his facebook page in an attempt to help them be able to better understand his reasoning and to help them not hurt quite as much. I don't think that is even a possibility. I just pray that all those who loved him can find some peace :(

I only had the chance to be around him a few times, but he was a great guy. He loved his friends and made you feel happy in his presence. The demons he fought were strong, especially those that were inflicted upon him by people who supposedly loved him and were to be trusted. How tragic :( If only he had been able to continue his battle and come out the victor.

Life is hard. It is harder from some than others. No matter how hard it gets or how lost you seem it is crucial to remember that there is always someone on your side. God is here...in all we do, all we feel, the actions we take, the pain we go through, the triumphs, the blessings, and everything in between. Reach out to him! Ask him for forgiveness, for guidance, for healing, and for support and it will be given. He will do all he can and place people in your life to help you through...you just have to have faith.

We all have our demons. Internal and external. However hard it is to admit them, please do. Ask for help. Find a friend. Find a pastor. Find a family member. Find God! Don't try to win the battle on your own. There are people who want nothing more than to help you. The old saying "no man is an island" is so very true. We can't make it on our own, we aren't supposed to!

David, I hope you have found some peace. I pray that you are no longer hurting. I pray that your family and friends are able to somehow come to terms with the decision that you made today. May they find solace in the Lord during this trying time.

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 16

As a kid I always loved playing M.A.S.H. with my friends...especially during class when we were supposed to be paying attention! You know, the old game of mansion, apartment, shack, or house, who you'd marry, where you would honeymoon, how many kids you'd have, the vehicle you'd drive, and so on. Our very own magic ball so to speak. Oh, if the results of that silly game could have been anywhere near the truth!

Of course, it was easily manipulated. It's all in how many, how small or large, and the spacing of those concentric circles you draw that will define your destiny. How great would it be if your actual life could be as easily manipulated? Here are your top 3 choices: you'll be happy with any of them of course. The only undesirable outcome is living in a shack I suppose :)

My fill in the blank responses of long ago were normally whatever was trendy at the time or whoever I was currently crushing on. Things haven't changed all that much. Well, of course now I know that it is wiser to hope for a house, not a mansion (lots of square footage is expensive) and that a gas guzzling SUV isn't the wisest move especially with kids...a minivan would be a better choice (but who wants to put that on a wish list?)! Then you have to take into account that although filling a home with lots of children would be a blessing they have to be fed, clothed, and shipped off to school at some point. Unless you win the lottery or they are all similar in skill to Michael Phelps, Mia Hamm, or Albert Einstein they will have to barely squeak by attending a state school. You'll have to tightly budget, remove vacations from your vocabulary, and learn to love Ramen noodles :)

I think a more appropriate game for young people to play would be: WISH. Wise. Intelligent. Strong. Honorable. = all things we should hope to be! I know a game is just that, a game. However, when you look at life as being as easy as which choice gets circled you tend to think that life will be that easy. What no one tells you is that there are an infinite number of choices, mistakes, realities, opportunities, let-downs, and blessings. They make up life. The life we are given is ours to mold and live on our own. It is what we make of it, how we serve the Lord, and the chances we choose to take that define us...not where we live, what car we drive, how many kids we have, or where we go on our honeymoon!

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 15

Another day in paradise...I am so ready for Spring! Cloudy skies, rain, and wind. Yuck! Everything God does is beautiful, but I prefer sunshine :)

The same old, same old is making me down and out. Work is just not a challenge in any way, shape, or form. I am so anxious to find out what the next chapter in my career life is. I wish at times that I were one of those people who knew exactly what they wanted from a young age and are now happily living the life they mapped out for themselves. I suppose though that even people like that get unsettled and overtaken with the mundane every once in a while.

I suppose hat what I envision for my life is a fairy tale...constant happiness. At least my current attempts at self discovery through studying the word have better equipped me to deal with being let down. I don't stay down quite as long :)

God Bless,
Tammy