5-26-2011...Reality vs. Reality

The entire U.S. is in the midst of season finale time on television. All the buzz is about the winners of American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, and Survivor. People get all worked up about Bachelor/Bachelorette, Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, and countless other "Reality" shows. I, for one, am not a reality t.v. lover. I will admit that I watch the last few weeks of American Idol, but that is about it. It doesn't entice me all that much to watch other people live their lives. I like to focus on living my own!

We have all become so preoccupied with media that we no longer know what is real versus what is reality. Not one of those shows accurately portrays the lives of the people involved. We aren't there behind the scenes or in the editing room. Real life is not full of one-liners, cat fights, and an endless stream of barely clothed people strutting around. Real people have real issues like paying the bills not deciding upon what club to go to!

I know that reality television is an escape from our own realities...oh, the irony of that one. But, wouldn't it be great if we spent the time devoted to watching our "idiot boxes" (my mom's word for the tv) to spending time with loved ones, reading a good book, excercising, or growing ourselves spiritually. What if we looked at these reality shows as examples of how not to live our lives instead of making those lifestyles our goal?

Reality tv is not real...it won't pay the bills or make us better people. Occasionally we may learn something and we'll be entertained in the process, but are the lessons learned valuable ones? I feel that we would be better off sitting in silence. We could focus on what really matters like enjoying the company of friends and family, finding out what really interests us in life, mapping out goals for our future, or bettering ourselves in some way.

Reality isn't reality anymore...isn't it time we figured out what really is real in our lives, embrace it, and do our best to enjoy it and make ourselves better human beings? One of my favorite tv shows ended yesterday, "Oprah". Her parting words were those of encouragement to find out who we are and go for it! How awesome is that...figuring out who "you" are, not watching other people be "them"????

God Bless,
Tammy

5-18-2011...The Dreaded "R" Word

     Most of us spend our childhoods yearning for the day that we would be grown-ups. We were in awe of what appeared to be freedoms that almost seemed unobtainable: driving, seeing R-rated movies without an adult, voting, college, having our own homes, and much more. What we were never told is what is feels like to have a dreaded "R" word lurking in the future...a REUNION!!!!

     June 7, 1996 I graduated from Christian County High School. Ten years later we had our first class reunion. We went all out: big room at the Holiday Inn, DJ, food galore, decorations, the whole shebang. It was a lot of fun, but since I was into all the planning I didn't really have time to worry about appearances. Oh, I don't mean what my hair looked like or if I had changed that much. I mean the dreaded "what do they think of me now" appearance. You know what I mean..."can you believe she is still working at Wal-Mart" or "I really thought he/she would really be something by now". My favorites, "look at his receding hairline" and "wow, she still isnt' married!"

    As my 15th reunion appoaches this summer my "appearance" is weighing more heavily on my mind. I am still part of the planning committee, but this year we aren't going all out. I don't know if it's wisdom with age or lack of spirit, but we just don't see a need for all the bells and whistles. I am grateful of that, but on the other hand that leaves me out in the open for people to really see me. I am still searching for those things I wanted at 18, a husband, a career I love, kids...all are still unobtained. Not that I define myself by what I do or don't have, but sometimes others do.

    I suppose I am giving myself too much credit. There are probably only a handful of people who actually care one way or another where I am at right now in my life. I guess I put the most pressure on myself. There are certain milestones in life that you assume you will achieve by certain times. None of those I had in mind have come to fruition. Oh well, life goes on. There's nothing I can do about any of that in the next month and a half before the CCHS 15 year reunion rolls around. They'll just have to take me as I am and I will just have to be okay with that.



   

5-4-2011...Accepting Change

The world is full of changes. Some occur on a daily basis such as our clothes, the day of the week, and our moods. Other changes happen over a period of time like the graying of our hair or our maturity. Often changes come unexpectedly and quickly like the loss of a loved one, a change in jobs, or crisis that completely throws us for a loop. The key to surviving any change is the acceptance of it.

We tend to feel as if we have complete and utter control of our lives which is absolutely ludicrous. The thought that we can make things happen in one way or another is only feasible with the smallest parts of our lives: what we wear, how we cut our hair, what we eat for dinner to name a few. Mostly though our lives are full of things we cannot bend to our every whim.

This is one of the hardest things to accept in life. We have to relinquish our perception of control. The key is becoming adept at rolling with the punches and making the best of the situations in our lives. Sometimes, we must admit defeat and move on when the opportunity presents itself. Well, admitting defeat can mean failure and that isn't the case. You haven't failed most of the time. Things just sometimes don't work out. It is imperative to embrace the belief that all experiences are for our growth...some will teach us positive lessons, others will remind us that we are not perfect.

When new opportunities are placed in your path I feel that if they are meant to be all the necessary components come together seamlessly. You have to pray hard for your intended path to be made clear and when it is lit up in front of you be willing to go for it. Though it may be scary, uncertain, and a shift from your "normal" if may very well be the blessing you've waited so long for.

Change can be slow, swift, expected, or world-altering. Change can be good or bad. Change can be sought out or thrust upon us. The only constant in change is that it will occur. Ready or not, here it comes. Be ready to deal with whatever may come. Trust yourself to make the right decisions. Mainly trust in the Lord to do what is best for you...

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

God Bless,
Tammy

4-26-2011...Talk, talk, talk

     One thing that no one will ever say about me is, "she sure is a wallflower who never speaks to anyone." Talking is one of my forte's. We have a long history together...the only time it has ever gotten me into trouble was at school. I wasn't a bad kid. I was actually one of the those teacher pleasing children (probably because my dad was an educator). The one and only thing to ever land me on the "wall" for 5 minutes during recess was my motor mouth. Honestly, it happened quite frequently...LOL.

    My talking skills have made it easy for me to give speeches, teach, and most importantly meet new people. Ask anyone...give me 5 minutes and you'll more than likely know my entire life story! Some people may view this as a character flaw, but I see it like this: I never meet a stranger. Oh, I don't really tell everyone everything about me. I will talk to anyone though. Whether it be about religion, the weather, the state of public schools, or the newest movie I just saw I will freely engage in conversation with someone.

    My talking skill has been a definite plus as I have dealt with the public for the past 6 1/2 years of running my business. I truly hope that anyone who walks through my front doors leaves feeling as if they made a new friend. I do my best to remember names and what our discussions are about. Not to ensure a return customer or a bigger sale the next time...I simply want people to know that they matter.

   This twirling dirt clod we inhabit moves at such a great pace that we leave little time to actually get to know anyone. We are in such a hurry all the time and most people have their phones surgically attached to their bodies to ensure they stay in touch with email, itunes, facebook, and texting. What ever happened to sitting on the front porch with a glass of tea and talking the afternoon away? Maybe it's the Southerner in me (well, Mason Dixon Line for all technical purposes), but that is my idea of a great afternoon!

   I wish that I could somehow pass along my skills to others. If we would all take the time to actually talk to each other a lot of issues would cease to exist in my opinion. How awesome would it be to sit across the table from your family and engage in conversation during a meal or take a long walk on a Friday night instead of rushing from work, to dinner, and to a movie where you sit next to someone for 2 hours and never utter a word. What if we unplugged our phones, turned off our cells, pressed the OFF button on our computers, and refrained from texting and actually, wait for it...talked with people face to face. Liberating idea isn't it!?!?

    One day, I hope the world catches up with my way of thinking. I truly appreciate technology and living the American Dream, but not when they are to the detriment of mankind. We need to stop the rat race, talk to each other, and share our lives. I think we could all be happier individuals if we did :)

God Bless,
Tammy

 

4-22-11...Good Friday :)

     Having grown up in a Disciples of Christ church we followed a rather extensive liturgical calendar. Advent, Pentecost, Lent, etc. Every possible religious holiday was observed such as Christmas, Palm Sunday, Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter, and so on. I will admit that until I was older I didn't understand a lot of those days...especially Good Friday. What exactly was good about Jesus being crucified on the cross???

     Well, as I have grown older I have garnered understanding and appreciation for labeling the Friday before Easter as Good Friday. Actually, Great Friday may be an even better name for it! Although Jesus died that day, he died for us! What greater thing has ever been done??? God loved us so much that He sent Jesus to teach us and pay the ultimate price for us. That was absolutely a good day, however tragic the story may be.

    To honor this sacrifice we should all be living the best lives we can. Following the Word of God. Doing our very best to live up to the price that was paid for us. It isn't easy though. Being human is such a let down at times especially when we screw up. Our hope lies in the love of our Father! A friend shared a song by Jason Crabb on Facebook the other day that sums up what being a Christian is all about. I absolutely love it...it is "Sometimes I Cry": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zE0Gb28MF4c&feature=share

    It is an absolutely beautifully written heartfelt wonderfully moving song! (I think I got enough adjectives in there...LOL) Sometimes we fall down, sometimes we cry, but each and every moment of the day we are held by our Lord and Savior...how awesome is that!?!? We are simply human beings doing the best we can to honor God, love one another, and be witnesses to the Word. That is what Good Friday is all about...God having faith in us. Faith that we are worth the sacrifice made for us.

God Bless,
Tammy

EXPECTATIONS

Most quarrels in life come down to one thing...someone fell short of your expectations or you of theirs. The entire argument could have been avoided had the expectations been made clear right up front. A simple conversation could keep a marriage from falling apart, put a stop to relatives bickering over only the Lord knows what, or something as simple as telling the waitress right up front to "please hold the pickles."

Expectations can be great, sometimes they must be lowered, but they must always be made known. This is the only fair thing to do as a human being. How can you fault someone for not doing what you expected them to if you do not tell them what you expect from them to begin with????????? Sounds confusing I know and you may even think it's trivial or a no-brainer. Well, you're wrong...sorry, but you are.

We fault people each and every day because they don't wear their hair a certain way, they don't walk the way you walk, they don't pray the way you pray, or they don't come visit you regularly. Well, do you visit them? Have you ever asked them over? Did you say to them, "please come visit me...I really need a friend right now?"

Tell people exactly what you expect from them. Keep in mind though, we all make mistakes. There isn't a single soul on this planet that is perfect. WE WILL MESS UP!!!! We won't do it maliciously. We'll try not to do it often, but it is going to happen. There is a 100% chance this is going to happen if we don't tell others what we expect from them.

So, before you go judging others around you and holding it against them that they screwed up royally think to yourself: did I tell them what I hoped they would do, did they do this to hurt me, is what they did or didn't do really all that bad, is being mad at them worth it???? Stop. Think. Calm down. Then speak. If we all took the time to do those things blood pressures would lower, friendships would stay on course, time wouldn't be wasted on resentment, and we may just find ourselves learning how to communicate with another like grown adults and not hot-headed 4 year olds who just had someone take our shovel in the sandbox.

God Bless,
Tammy

4-11-11...Lots on my mind

    It has been almost two weeks since I last submitted to the blog...those two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. There have sadly been more downs than ups, but I continue to trudge along. What other choice do you really have? You can't simply crawl under the nearest rock and hibernate indefinitely!

    The smallest of things have kept my head above water: remembering that others have things worse than I do, the simple pleasures like ice cream with friends, and the unexpected and kind words of others. The last of these has made the biggest impact on my outlook on things. Those words helped me to know that even if I feel like I am falling short in life there are others who feel that I have greatly touched theirs. What a tremendous blessing!

    My encounters have been varied: a longtime friend letting me know that I am special to them, another longtime friend reminding me of a time that I reached out with a letter during the loss of their child that they still have 8 years later and letting me know that they pray for me regularly to be blessed with a husband and children, a high school acquaintance that I became reacquainted with this Fall during a tumultuous time in their life who expressed gratitude for my being there as a sounding board and friend, and a random message from someone I wasn't close to at all in high school telling me they used to have a crush on me and would like to go to dinner sometime.

    Each encounter was very different. A few touched my heart. All made me see that even when I feel like a phenomenal underachiever there are people out there whose lives I have touched. In all honesty I feel a bit bad for being down after getting their messages. So, I took their correspondence as a kick-start to "putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it."
I could choose to stay in my doldrums or I can reach out to others and put a smile on their face like these friends did for me.

    I chose the later! I have spent the past week writing letters to some of my friends and loved ones. Most have simply been "Hi, how are you?" letters, but a few of them I dug a little deeper on. I am not the best person when it comes to the mushy, ooey-gooey of relationships with my friends. I am not accustomed to showing my affection especially through words. So, it has been a bit of a challenge to share my feelings, but I am glad that I have. You never know who needs a pick-me-up just as bad as you do.

   So, if you think someone knows how you feel about them...quit assuming! You know what they say about that...pick up the phone, pick up a pen, send an email or text...share your feelings :) Your doing so will be an unexpected blessing to those whom you reach out to!

God Bless,
Tammy

3-30-11 Loss=Gain

     On Monday I had several friends lose parents. One to a tragedy, one to a short illness, and another to a long-term illness. All have the same effect...a loss that cannot be filled. A loss that will forever change their families. Their loss and those of others should be our gain in a strange way. We should take stock of our loved ones and truly appreciate what we have.

     Loss is a part of every day life. Some of the losses we suffer are insignificant, others shake the foundation of who we are and will become. Oddly enough these losses actually have the capability of teaching us far more than if they had not occurred. We are forced to learn to deal with the fallout of a person passing away, the loss of jobs, the loss of friendships, or the loss of a dream we've held so dear.

     How we choose to deal with or ignore the changes brought about by these losses defines who we are. Will you fall apart? Stand firm? Be the rock that others lean on? Take chances that you wouldn't have otherwise? Reevaluate your priorities? The possibilities are endless and have an endless number of answers. The true test is not in what the right answer is, but in how you deal with whatever answer you choose.

     Dealing with life and all the various curve balls it throws at you defines who you are. It makes you contemplate your values, your aspirations, your strength, and your faith. You may have to reconsider all you ever thought your life was going to be. Sometimes, this isn't a bad scenario. Loss makes us who we are. It is our choice whether we get swallowed whole or stand firm in our foundation.

What will you choose???

God Bless,
Tammy

3-28-2011 Things that make you smile...

It is so easy to get lost in all of the things that go on in our lives to bring us down. Every day there is something that happens that could easily pull us down into a pit that will take us a long time to free ourselves from. For most of us, we don't have the luxury of wallowing in self pity, hurt, or despair. We have to pick ourselves up, dust our butts off, and move one foot in front of the other to whatever responsbility lays ahead. What we have to start doing is fully being aware of those little things that make us smile. We need to seek them out, pay them attention, give thanks for them, and find ways to do small things to make other people smile...I can guarantee that they need it as much as you do.

Every day I thank God for the many blessings that I have in my life. Every day I also pray for the things in my life that are causing me or the people I love unrest. What I don't always take the time to do is let these people know that I am praying for them. That is just as important as actually saying a prayer I believe. Last night I got an unexpected email from a friend saying that I had been on their mind the past week or so and that they had been praying for me. How awesome is that??? They felt compelled not only to be in prayer for me, but to let me know it. I can't tell you how much that lifted my heart!

Take the time to do those little things that make you and/or someone you love smile. In most cases it only takes a few minutes and it can make all the difference. Here are just a few things that make me smile that I know would do the same for others. Do you have some suggestions as well? Leave a comment.

* send a "snail mail" card to someone
* put a flower on your best freind's car while they are at work with a little note
* stop in to see a shut in relative or friend
* send a text to someone you haven't seen lately and let them know you are thinking of them
* make dinner for your parents/friends/siblings/etc.
* cut your neighbors grass
* pick your niece/nephew up and go to the park and play
* say hello to every stranger you meet today and give them a big smile :)
* buy the meal for the person in line behind you at McDonald's (or wherever)

The list could go on and on...whatever comes to mind, just do it...you'll get more than a smile out of it I know :)

God Bless,
Tammy

3-22-11 SPEEDBUMPS

Which way should you turn when every direction seems to have a speed bump along the path? Speed bumps come in every shape and size. Some are so small you barely notice them. Others are so big that you feel as though you'll need an oxygen tank to reach the summit and begin your descent. Every one of them causes you a pause in your journey and more often than not plants a kernel of doubt deep in your mind.

So, how do you avoid these bumps in your life? You don't. When you look up the definition of life in the dictionary it reads:  the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual *. Nowhere in the definition is the word EASY. Life just simply isn't supposed to be easy. Life is all about the living of it. Muddling through as best we can with the tools/skills that we have picked up along the way. The key to success is knowing when you are beaten and when you should ask for help. Whether by a loved one, a friend, or from the Almighty.

I don't know about you, but hitting a speed bump, literally or figuratively, whether it's anticipated or shows up unexpectedly is irritating. You are either wasting time as you slow down to manuver it or you are so jostled by it that you have to take a minute to get back on track. Both scenerios require the exertion of energy that could be better spent on something else. The trick is learning how to deal with them head on.

You don't have to keep pulling forward and backing up over them. You get the same result as if you were beating the proverbial dead horse. It won't do you any good to keep revisiting it. Slow down, speed up, go around it, hit it dead on...just deal with it and move on with your LIFE. The life that isn't easy and never will be, but it's the only one you have. It's up to you to make the most out of it.

Speed bumps, stop signs, caution lights, yield signs, and the like are all there for our safety. They are early warning signs of what is to come. How great would it be if our "life road" had these cautionery signs. Even better, what if there were exit signs that said, "Boyfriend #3, 2 miles ahead" or "Career path #1, 5 miles ahead, then left" or possibly even "Falling Rock ahead". How awesome would that be? Then maybe we could at least make sure our seatbelts are securely fastened and brace for impact!

Alas, that is not the case. We are simply and extraordinarily human. There's no Cliff's notes for our lives or "how to" manuals. All we have are our experiences and the good Lord to turn to in times of unrest or absolute need. So, prepare all you want for the speedbumps of life and you will still get jostled by them. Learning how to deal is the only choice we have.

God Bless,
Tammy

*taken from Miriam Webster online dictionary

3-19-11

Finding the right words...

Sometimes this is the hardest thing to do. Anytime you have to engage in a conversation that you know is going to upset someone you hope that the right words will come to you. You want to convey your concern, anger, agitation, hope, or advice in the best way possible so that they fully comprehend your meaning and motivation. This is most difficult, I feel, when the person you need to speak to is extremely close to you and you are concerned for them and for the choices they are making.

How do you get through to them without their feeling that you are being judgmental of their actions? Would I do the things they are doing? No, but my motivation is concern for how their actions have and will affect them in the near future and further down the line. When you see someone blatantly playing with fire and doing things that are completely out of character you become deeply concerned. Not solely about their actions, but the motivation for those actions. What deep seeded issue(s) are causing them to "act out"?

Perfect is not a word that has ever been used to describe me nor should it ever be. I do not have my life in order and may not ever, I have many issues in my own life that I don't know how to fix, and I am very discontented with many things. Does this lack of perfection exempt me from having helpful insight into someone else's issues? I hope not. I would hope that if any of my friends and/or family saw me spiraling down the wrong road that they (with their own imperfections and issues) found it in their hearts to try to help me get back on track.

That's what we do...we draw from our experiences and observations and use those to make the best decisions and give the best advice that we can. Will we always be right? No. Will we make incorrect assumptions? Probably. Should we steer clear of difficult situations because we haven't been in that person's shoes? I don't think so. Love is love and sometimes it is the hardest thing about being a human being. You have to love others enough to hurt their feelings and try to do what you think is best for them.

I sure hope that the right words come to me. I pray that God gives me the strength and fortitude to follow through with my friend that needs help right now. Most importantly, I hope that my concern is overwhelming apparent. I don't want them to feel judged or looked down upon. I only want them to feel love and to feel that there is hope in having someone give a crap about them...Lord, be with me.

God Bless,
Tammy

3-16-2011

Getting it right...is that really such an impossible feat? I was thinking about this all last night as I watched Glee. Yes, I watch Glee! It really does have some great lessons and wonderful music. The past few episodes have really had some thought provoking issues. One of which is one of the main characters feelings that she hasn't gotten anything right and wondering how/if she ever will.

I feel like this most days. As a child all I wanted to do what make my parents happy and I tried my hardest to appease everyone. That has not changed...ever. To my detriment I have remained the same. I haven't done this or that because it would make someone mad at me. I haven't tried to talk to a guy because someone else liked them or because I didn't think my friends would approve. I finished a degree I didn't really want and got a job in that field out of the overwhelming urge to do what was expected of me. More recently I have stayed in my current career for years longer than I should have because I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't cut it. Sadly, I could have moved on to something that fulfilled me more if I had just not given a crap what others think of me.

As the possiblity for change comes about I am faced with making some difficult decisions about my future. Where to live, where to move my business, what career path to follow, how to be a better provider for myself, etc. The question that burns in my mind is this...HOW DO I GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME? There are many years left to live of my life and I know that they will continue to be full of changes, some good and some bad.  However, I want to make the best decisions that will hopefully make for long-term contentment, happiness, and stability. No pressure there!

Being a grown up sucks sometimes. It would be wonderful if someone would just tell me what to do, how to do it, and what the outcome will be! That is the only true perk of being a kid, you don't have the worries that you do as an adult. It is a blessing that my decisions only effect me at present. Maybe that is why I haven't been blessed with a husband or kids yet...because I have figured out so many other things. Maybe God is waiting for me to catch up with him???

Good, bad, or ugly the future will come. With it will be the necessity to make decisions. Some thought out, some made on a whim, all effecting my life. All I can do is hold my breath and jump into the deep end hoping that I will eventually come up for air. Well, I don't have to hope too much as long as I have prayer and God on my side, but it would still be nice to know what outcome there will be :)

God Bless,
Tammy

3-15-2011

Reading is one of my all-time favorite hobbies. I am easily transported from reality to the ranches of Texas, coastlines of North Carolina, the bayous of Louisiana, the streets of New York City, the woods of Georgia, the rolling hills and bluegrass of Kentucky, and everywhere else you can imagine. It is an escape from all that life throws at me. I have often considered the possibility of writing a book. Nothing complicated or even thought provoking...just a book that will allow someone  the chance to get away from it all for a while and hopefully enjoy the read.

I absolutely love books. That is why you won't find a Kindle in my house. Who knows? Maybe one day I will cave in and buy one, but I don't think I will. There is nothing like holding a book, flipping the pages, and feeling the weight of it in your hands. Oh, and they smell good. Well, at least to me. Especially those that I pick up at our local second hand bookstore where they also used to sell pipe tobacco. Every book has that sweet tobacco fragrance embedded in every page. It brings back memories of going there with my grandparents when I was small. Plus, in today's economy it is a treat to be able to trade books :)

At the present moment, I am caught up with all of my favorite author's books. While I wait for the hardback copy of their new books to hit the shelves I am in need of some assistance. What good books have you read lately? What classics should I revisit? I am not a huge fan of historical romances or anything political. I would love to hear from anyone who has read something they really enjoyed. I look forward to your responses. In the meantime, I shall delve into the book that a friend gave me yesterday to read, Get A Life! It Is All About You.


God Bless,
Tammy

3-8-2011

This week I will be teaching my Sunday School class while the regular leader is out of town. The lesson is called "Choosing God's Forgiveness" and it focuses on Hebrews 12: 1-11. So far a few of the daily readings had these questions:

     * What in your life is hindering you from following Christ in obedience?
     * Would you say that your eyes are fixed on Jesus or on something else?
     * What causes you to "grow weary and lose heart" the most in your life?

All of these are questions that I must admit I am reluctant to answer. Not because I am unsure of the answers, but just the opposite. I do know and I ashamed of the answers. I know that by putting my answers on paper or talking about them will be an admission of guilt. I am guilty of letting the world and its "treasures" come before my Lord. Who wants to openly admit that?

I realized that I was falling and deeper and deeper into a pit about 6 months ago. That is when I started actively seeking out somewhere to worship that I was happy with, a group of like-minded people to share Sunday School with, and I began a daily devotion to seek out God's Word. You can't know what you're doing wrong until you understand the guidelines.

I am actively working to get my eyes set on God now. However, it is hard to know when you are simply living your life and doing what is expected of you (by other earth dwellers aka people) and when you are straying from the Lord. I feel that I am back on track and I am anxious to see where I end up. Even with all the anticipation of the future I still have a few things that cause me "to grow weary and lose heart"...

These issues weigh on my mind daily and are things that I put a great deal of focus on. What to do? How to do it? Who to do it with? Etc, etc, etc. There's so much fear, unease, and lack of commitment to move forward. Most of the time, a forward move isn't in the picture because of other things that need to happen. You know...the old domino effect.

Some day I hope to have things straightened out. Some day I hope that my answers to the above questions will be NOT APPLICABLE. Seeing that I am a human being though I don't think that will occur anytime soon, but at least I am aware of the situation and am actively working on myself :) Sometimes, I think that is all we can do.

God Bless,
Tammy

3-1-11

Good grief...March already? Time sure does fly the older you get. Before you know it we'll be hearing "Jingle Bells" as we walk through the mall. If only we could go back to when we were kids and soak up the lack of responsibility, ease of life, and the "I don't care" mentality. The following is a little list of my all-time favorite things from my childhood:

* playing outside from sun up to sundown...you know when we actually used our imaginations as we built forts, played in gravel, rode bikes, and swung until we were nauseous!

* the absolute perfection of a POP ICE on a hot summer day...you know the Popsicles that are basically koolaid in a tube :)

* playing arcade games at Hucky Finn's (my Hoptown friends will understand)!

* slumber parties...pj's, board games, NKOTB videos (New Kids on the Block, yes, they were around back then too!), all the pizza and sweets you could stand, "light as a feather", midnight walks around the neighborhood, etc

* scavenger hunts- a lost art form I feel...they were fun before we could drive, now they just are GREAT. I think I will have to plan a party that involves one soon :)

* field trips- there is just something cool about spending all day with your friends, having a good time, eating a ham sandwich, chips, an apple, and chocolate milk out of a brown bag!

* cartoons- back in the day we actually had really great cartoons, not this crap they have now...Transformers, Smurfs, Snorks, Gummi Bears, Looney Toons, Tom/Jerry, Care Bears, Jem, GI Joe, He-Man and Sheera...

     The list could go on and on...being a kid is great! Well, at least it used to be. I don't know that the quality of life has progressed for kids. Now they spend their time with their nose in a game, texting, tweeting, and watching TV all the time (thanks Hannah Montana!). I suppose they are being overly prepared for adulthood since we seem to do a lot of the same minus Hannah Montana of course.

     I think we should all slow it down and take in our world around us. There are so many wonderful, beautiful, and awe-inspiring things that we don't take the time to appreciate or don't have the time to even take a second glance at. I hope to reconnect with my inner child and start to look at life differently...I think we'd all be the better for it :)

God Bless,
Tammy

2-23-11

OK, so I give up on trying to remember to do this every single day. Some days I just don't have a lot to say and instead of writing gibberish I am going to focus on only writing when I feel I have something pertinent to share. I promise I am not being lazy because I really do enjoy my blog. Sometimes though there just isn't anything to be said.

Today, however, I want to share something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Finding true love. I don't mean love from parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, or friends. I mean that one true, everlasting, unconditional, butterflies in your belly kind of love. Though I thought I had found it a few years ago I was mistaken. I thought "praise God" I have waited so very long for this...now, my life's newest chapter will begin!

Well, here I am two years later and two years older...still hoping for that elusive love to find me. I know that my life's timeline is up to God and I do have faith in that, but the waiting can sometimes be unbearable. Thankfully I am a strong self reliant person who knows without a shadow of a doubt that I can thrive on my own. The thing is...I don't want to.

So many people say, "you're better off by yourself. You don't have all the crap to put up with that we do!". QUIT SAYING THAT...IT IS INFURIATING! I want the crap. Crap is a part of life, but it isn't your entire life. Most of us live pretty happy lives. Sure, the mundane tasks of day to day life wear away at you, but all you have to do is put a little "umph" back into your life. Change your routine. Get a new hobby. Reconnect with some old friends, etc.

When you are in a relationship, in all it's wonderfully crappy glory, you at least have someone by your side going through it with you. Imagine always watching that scary movie by yourself, learning how to cook for one and eating 3 days of leftovers when you misjudge a recipe, snuggling up with pillows and blankets all the time, not being able to go on shared vacations with your best friends/family who are married (well, and not feeling like a 3rd wheel), being out to dinner with a group and being asked "are you the only one on this check?"...yes I am, ALWAYS!

"Would I like some cheese with that whine???" No, I want someone to share my life with! It comes so easily for some. Why is it so hard for others of us? I know God has a plan for me and I am being patient, but that doesn't mean that I cannot question my singleness sometimes. Most of the time I am fine because I have a wonderful family and many friends who help fill the void of a missing significant other in my life. Sometimes though I simply want to not feel like there is something wrong with me because I am 33 and single.

Believe me, it isn't a choice I have made. However, I have made the choice not to settle and not to ignore my moral compass for the sake of having someone. It isn't that important. I want to be happy, fulfilled, and hopefully be married and good Lord willing have children. It is my biggest desire in life, but it doesn't dictate who I am. Being a good Christian, daughter, sister, aunt, sister-in-law, and friend are what define me. Hopefully, one day I can add wife and mother to that list...

God Bless,
Tammy

p.s.
If you know of any God fearing, loyal, funny,
kid loving, responsible, hard-working men...
send them my way or light a fire under them
to say hi, go for coffee with me, or whatever!
I know that someone for me is out there. I may
already have them in my life...we just haven't
made that next step...who knows!

Day 31- My Birthday

Happy 33rd Birthday to me! Wow, things sure haven't turned out like I anticipated. Not better, not worse...just different. Hopefully this next year will have some new and exciting adventures, new friends, hopefully a possible love, and more time with friends and family.

Some people are surprised when they ask how old I am and I automatically tell them. I guess any woman over the age of 25 is supposed to hate growing older. Believe me, I don't mind...the alternative is not what I want :) I am so thankful that I never have to do high school again! I have a few things (like my major) that I would change from college, but not much else for the most part. Of course, there are some decisions made since then that I would probably revisit, but all in all my life has been good!

Instead of viewing my birthday as an "Oh Crap...I haven't done ____________ yet!" I am trying to look at all of the positive things about my life so far. Also, there is much to look forward to! I don't know what lies ahead, but that is part of the intrigue of it all. So, here's to being 33 and looking forward to the coming year and all that follow. May they be full of love, hope, and joy!

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 30

A random act brightened my day today. Customers have been in and out of the store all day long. I even had a guy come in, well, he'd been sent on a makeup mission. LOL Then, I had a younger lady come in who was "just window shopping". After a little chitchat and a quick discussion about how to, in the most ladylike fashion, get your dainties back to their original position (ladies, you know what I am talking about!) she headed for the door. As I opened it up for her to exit she unexpectedly gave me a hug and wished me a blessed day!

Isn't it amazing how something as trivial as a random hug can make you feel so much better. I don't know this person and she may very well never step foot in my shop again, but for today we were friends. Her simple gesture made my day. Have you ever had something like this happen to you? How did you react? How did it make you feel?

I think that we should all work a lot harder on committing these random acts of kindness. Buy coffee for the person behind you in line at Starbucks. Pump gas for the little old couple next time you're at the gas station. Take the mail and newspaper to your neighbor's door. You never know who may need a smile!

I got an extra hug today that led me to a smile...may you be as blessed!

Tammy

Days 26-29 (Oops...I got a bit behind!)

     Should have, would have, could have...the mantra for wallowing in self pity, denial, and depression! I should have done _______, then I would have _______, and I could have ____! You fill in the blanks. We all have circumstances that we wish we could go back and change. Unfortunately for us, H.G. Wells just wrote The Time Machine...he didn't event one.
Even if you could go back in time, should you? would you?

     Life is about learning from the mistakes and inactions of the past to make our futures better. If we were able to fix everything we did or didn't do I am not sure we would ever truly learn anything. You have to be able to evaluate situations for what they are and make an educated guess as to what the new outcome may be. It may be better or it may be worse. That is called life!

     There are too many times in my life that I have dwelled upon the shoulda, woulda, coulda's! Had I taken the energy spent wallowing in what didn't go a certain way I may have been able to figure out a way to make something better happen. We (humans) tend to get mucked down in the past. What we need to do is remember that our time on earth is short and we don't need to waste any time on unnecessary things. We need to be making the most of every single minute, hour, and day.

    This has been overly evident the past few days. People live short, medium, and long lives. Every one of them leave behind people who love them and wish for just a little more time with them. Especially those gone to soon. I am struck by just how diverse the loss of the past few weeks has been: the one year anniversary of the loss of a 17 year old, the 30 year old mother of 3 who passed away unexpectedly, the 65 year old father of a friend, and the 84 year old gentlemen from church.

   You never know when your name will be called...today, tomorrow, next week, next year, or 50 years from now. Please take the time to remember what is truly important in life and live it to its fullest. Put aside the should have, would have, could haves and focus on the what will be's of your life. I promise you'll be happier!

God Bless,
Tammy

    

Day 25

The Rose:

     With Valentine's Day quickly approaching roses are a hot item. Nothing says "I love you" like a rose...supposedly. Now comes the big decision: red, pink, white, yellow, or some hybrid color. Each color has something that it represents, but honestly I don't care what color they are as long as I get one!

    In my nearly 33 years on this spinning mound of dirt and water we call Earth I have never recieved flowers from any other man except my Daddy. Every year he goes out and gets anywere from 1 to 3 roses each for my Mama and I. He brings them to us a few days before Valentine's so that we can enjoy them longer. :)

    I don't know if he realizes just how much they mean to me. To know that there is at least one man in my life that loves me unconditionally and cares enough to get me flowers is one of the best feelings in the world. In all my years and the few relationships I have had I have not been dating anyone on Valentine's Day. Each year I think...could this be the year? If I am not dating anyone the girl in me fantasizes about having flowers delivered from that guy that I really like and care for that probably doesn't even know I am alive. Hey, you have to believe in something!

    One of these days I will have someone who sends me flowers for no reason at all. FYI...if it ever comes up, I don't have a flower preference and I love one bud as much as a bouquet :) It isn't about the quantity. It's about taking the time to let someone know that you care about them. Plus, flowers are beautiful and I hate the thought of ending their lives for a huge bouquet if one gets the job done.

     Roses can perk up you, make you smile, bring a tear, and make great memories. I know I have many of those thanks to my Daddy. He is such a great guy and may possibly be why I am still single (LOL)...whomever I end up with is going to have a lot to live up to. I have had the best example of a real man my entire life in my dad. He is strong, hard working, loving, peaceful, kind, funny, loyal, and giving. I hope you have someone in your life who makes you feel just as loved. :)

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 23/24

SNOWBOUND...I know that we don't have it anywhere nearly as rough as Laura Ingalls Wilder, but good grief...enough is enough. I haven't left my building since Tuesday night. I know that is only 2 days, but when you live by yourself and you only see your neighbors if you happen to be in the parking lot at the same time (downfall to living downtown) it can get a bit lonely.

I have watched movies, cooked, cleaned, worked on a jigsaw puzzle, and contemplated life's uttermost mysteries (well, the ones that pertain to me) and I am tired of it all. I am ready for a windows down, stereo up, wind blowing through my hair and 75 degrees kind of day. A day where I take off driving down country roads turning left and right by which way looks prettier and not caring where it ends up. A day where you stumble across a little country store that still sells coke in a bottle and candy by the bag full. A day where I can reminisce about all the great summer days I spent with my grandparents and great aunt at her store.

Oh, to go back to the days when things were more simple. Back when snow days from school were looked forward to. Now, all I envision is a bill that may not get paid because we haven't had any business in going on 3 days. Yuck! I don't want to be a grown up anymore! Well, maybe 21 or 22 again. When I was still in college and didn't yet grasp the reality that was about to hit! LOL

So, here's to lazy summer days! May they be abundant this year to make up for all this crap weather we've had the past few months. May you take the time to make the most of them. Go for walk, swing on the front porch, go fishing, hit the lake, lay on a blanket and count stars...there are so many wonderful "little things" we take for granted. I hope you enjoy each and every one of them you are blessed to have.

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 22

21 days...supposedly that is how long it takes to change a habit or get accustomed to a new one. Today marks my 22nd day of my blog. As you can tell there have been a couple of days that I forgot and had to do two days in one. I have also been doing "Lose it for Life" for about that long. There have been a few days that I misstepped with it as well.

The key is this: don't give up just because you have an "off day". You haven't failed...you just have to get right back on the horse and start again. I'll be honest. Blogging is easier than changing my eating and excercise routines! We, Americans/human beings, associate food so much with fellowship and rewards that we forget that we don't have to consume a lot of food to sustain ourselves. We only need enough fuel to keep our bodies going.

Counting calories, keeping track of points, avoiding carbs and sugars, drinking lots of water, steering clear of desserts, and the like are sure fire ways to fail in the long run. Oh, don't get me wrong, you have to start somewhere. What is important though is keeping it up...making life changes. You also have to remember that there really aren't any forbidden foods. Portion control is the key to success. A simple taste of something will suffice, you don't have to have the whole serving or eat the entire box of cookies to be satsified.

We live in excess in many areas of our lives. Food. Fun. Material possesions and so on and so on. What we need to do is learn to live with enough to satisfy our desires, but more importantly our needs. We don't need to live in huge homes, drive expensive vehicles, eat out every night, own every CD/DVD/Video game, get our nails done each week, or play golf every day. These are all examples of living in excess. We could survive on a  much more simple scale if we realized that we can't take it with us when we go and don't need it to be successful as human beings.

I challenge you to find 3 things in your life that could be viewed as "excessive". Take the time to think about why that particular indulgence is deemed necessary. Then figure out a way to do with less of it. It may not be easy, but I think that after some time...say 21 days, you'll realize that it isn't as important as you once thought it was.

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 20/21

Well, I have embarked on yet another self-discovery/self-discipline endeavor. For years I have heard about Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, but I have never taken the course. Last night was the first of 13 meetings to help us find our way to financia peace. So far, what I learned has been doable. I won't say it will be easy, but absolutely doable over time.

The hardest part about joining the class at this particular time is that I really don't have any finances to be at peace with! Being self-employed doesn't make for a large paycheck every week. Luckily my living expenses are tied into my business expenses, but I don't have a lot of cash to actually budget. My goal is taking the class now is to learn as much as I can...then,when the time comes that I do have cash flow I will be equipped with the most sound stratagies for staying out of debt :)

I'll be honest. For being someone who is good at math, I am not as well equipped when it comes to finances. I've never really been all that great at reconciling checking accounts or understanding interest/compound interest/rates, etc. For the life of me I cannot figure out why in the world every teenager isn't made to take BASIC MATH in high school! Just because you are an advanced student who can ace Algebra and Geometry doesn't mean you know a hill of beans about checking accounts, minimum wage, percentages, figuring tax, or counting back change. Basic math offers lessons in all of the every day math scenerios. That would have been much more helpful to me than signs, cosigns, tangents, proofs, theorums, and quadratic equations!

Hopefully, over the next few months (91 days) I will get all the necessary tools for successfully winning the finance war! It can only get better I assume. Whether or not I adopt all of the principles is yet to be determined, but at least I will have the option to. The biggest problem is knowing where to start...especially when I don't have a lot of money to begin with! I will get it figured out eventually! :) 

Have a great week,
Tammy

Day 19

Today is one of those days when I wish that I could magically transport myself to a deserted island where I had not a care in the world. Where nothing was an issue outside of deciding how long to lay on my stomach before flipping over so I don't burn. What I would give to be able to just breathe...

It is hard to make it through life with only yourself to worry about. When you add family members, friends, and others to that list it makes for difficult situations being made more difficult. Why can't we all calmly, rationally, and without assigning blame work through issues. They are what they are for better or worse. Belittling those around you who you supposedly love is no way to get your point across.

What good does it do to continually make others feel as if they are not warranted in their emotions? How is it fair to assume that you are the only person in the entire world who has burdens to care around that you didn't ask for? How can you get through these times still loving one another if all you do is resent someone for making you feel inferior, useless, and like you are the biggest disappointment to them? Last time I checked it takes more than one person to get into certain situations...just because you feel guilty and are well past the point of resentment you need to learn how not to make those around you feel like pond scum!!!!

Lord, grant me the patience to get through life as unscathed as possible. Help me find the patience and words to deal with the situation life has handed me and try my very best to work through the issues. Give me the hope and peace of knowing that something better lies ahead!

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 18

Hello all (well, maybe the one person who reads this! :) Thankfully, today has been uneventful. Yesterday was such a trying day. It was full of tears, worry, happiness...you name it I probably felt it. It was blessed because my friend's little girl made it through surgery okay, but if you read yesterday's post you know it was tragic in the loss of a young man much too soon.

What I didn't talk about yesterday is something that I just found out about that has me worried. It involved someone very close to me, but until more tests are done I don't want to comment about exactly what is going on. I would, however, like to ask for prayers. Prayers of healing. Prayers that the doctors hunch is not what they think it may be. Prayers that I can be strong for this person in the mean time and after more information comes to light.

The "in between" sucks. Not knowing is somehow harder than knowing. At least with knowledge and information comes the ability to work through something. Answers can be found or consequences can be dealt with. The unknown is scary. :(

Heading to Nashville to visit with my friend's at the Children's Hospital so I will sign off for now...

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 17

Today has been a tough day...two of my closest friends lost a loved friend and I was who got the job of letting them know. He was only 23 years old and has been battling some inner demons for a long time. This morning he succombed to those demons and took his own life. He made a very profound final letter to friends and family on his facebook page in an attempt to help them be able to better understand his reasoning and to help them not hurt quite as much. I don't think that is even a possibility. I just pray that all those who loved him can find some peace :(

I only had the chance to be around him a few times, but he was a great guy. He loved his friends and made you feel happy in his presence. The demons he fought were strong, especially those that were inflicted upon him by people who supposedly loved him and were to be trusted. How tragic :( If only he had been able to continue his battle and come out the victor.

Life is hard. It is harder from some than others. No matter how hard it gets or how lost you seem it is crucial to remember that there is always someone on your side. God is here...in all we do, all we feel, the actions we take, the pain we go through, the triumphs, the blessings, and everything in between. Reach out to him! Ask him for forgiveness, for guidance, for healing, and for support and it will be given. He will do all he can and place people in your life to help you through...you just have to have faith.

We all have our demons. Internal and external. However hard it is to admit them, please do. Ask for help. Find a friend. Find a pastor. Find a family member. Find God! Don't try to win the battle on your own. There are people who want nothing more than to help you. The old saying "no man is an island" is so very true. We can't make it on our own, we aren't supposed to!

David, I hope you have found some peace. I pray that you are no longer hurting. I pray that your family and friends are able to somehow come to terms with the decision that you made today. May they find solace in the Lord during this trying time.

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 16

As a kid I always loved playing M.A.S.H. with my friends...especially during class when we were supposed to be paying attention! You know, the old game of mansion, apartment, shack, or house, who you'd marry, where you would honeymoon, how many kids you'd have, the vehicle you'd drive, and so on. Our very own magic ball so to speak. Oh, if the results of that silly game could have been anywhere near the truth!

Of course, it was easily manipulated. It's all in how many, how small or large, and the spacing of those concentric circles you draw that will define your destiny. How great would it be if your actual life could be as easily manipulated? Here are your top 3 choices: you'll be happy with any of them of course. The only undesirable outcome is living in a shack I suppose :)

My fill in the blank responses of long ago were normally whatever was trendy at the time or whoever I was currently crushing on. Things haven't changed all that much. Well, of course now I know that it is wiser to hope for a house, not a mansion (lots of square footage is expensive) and that a gas guzzling SUV isn't the wisest move especially with kids...a minivan would be a better choice (but who wants to put that on a wish list?)! Then you have to take into account that although filling a home with lots of children would be a blessing they have to be fed, clothed, and shipped off to school at some point. Unless you win the lottery or they are all similar in skill to Michael Phelps, Mia Hamm, or Albert Einstein they will have to barely squeak by attending a state school. You'll have to tightly budget, remove vacations from your vocabulary, and learn to love Ramen noodles :)

I think a more appropriate game for young people to play would be: WISH. Wise. Intelligent. Strong. Honorable. = all things we should hope to be! I know a game is just that, a game. However, when you look at life as being as easy as which choice gets circled you tend to think that life will be that easy. What no one tells you is that there are an infinite number of choices, mistakes, realities, opportunities, let-downs, and blessings. They make up life. The life we are given is ours to mold and live on our own. It is what we make of it, how we serve the Lord, and the chances we choose to take that define us...not where we live, what car we drive, how many kids we have, or where we go on our honeymoon!

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 15

Another day in paradise...I am so ready for Spring! Cloudy skies, rain, and wind. Yuck! Everything God does is beautiful, but I prefer sunshine :)

The same old, same old is making me down and out. Work is just not a challenge in any way, shape, or form. I am so anxious to find out what the next chapter in my career life is. I wish at times that I were one of those people who knew exactly what they wanted from a young age and are now happily living the life they mapped out for themselves. I suppose though that even people like that get unsettled and overtaken with the mundane every once in a while.

I suppose hat what I envision for my life is a fairy tale...constant happiness. At least my current attempts at self discovery through studying the word have better equipped me to deal with being let down. I don't stay down quite as long :)

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 14

Today has gone by rather quickly for a Monday! I haven't been particularly busy at work, but I have been busy all day...doing my Sunday school lesson, reading my daily devotional, being in prayer for myself and others, studying my "Lose it for Life" text, and taking care of regular work issues.  Before I even realized it I had spent the majority of my day in the Word. Reading passages and delving into their deeper meanings and how they play a role in my life.

God's love for us is the one and only consistency in life! I have fallen short in my duties as a friend/loved one at times. Relationships are not one sided. It is up to us to do our part in maintaining and strengthening our relationship with the Lord. He is our best friend! If our earthly "best friends" didn't talk to us daily or visit with us we would start to think that they aren't our friends at all. What must the Lord think of us when we don't take the time to visit with Him in prayer or spend time reading His Word????

Some people may feel that they don't have the right due to their sin. That is where they are absolutely WRONG! That is the perfect time to go to the Lord. Seek his forgiveness and make an effort to correct the sinful acts and misdeeds that you have committed. All you have to do ask His forgiveness and it will be granted! So, ask away, but be ready for His love to fill you up to overflowing. Be ready to share that love with others. You'll never know anything else like it :)

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 11-13

What an eventful weekend! Family and friends gathered to share in the joy of my cousin and her new husband. It was so great getting to see them together and to show them the love our family and friends have for them as they embark on their new journey together!

It was also a great weekend of worship! It is so refreshing to be at a church that is serving my spiritual needs and giving me the opportunity to grow in Christ. I have never understood those who do not have a church home and don't actively seek one out. There are days that I would love nothing more than to stay curled up under my covers and simply do nothing on my one day off from work. Funny though, once I get there I can't imagine being anywhere else! What a gift of the spirit :)

God Bless,
Tammy

Days 9/10

The past couple of days have brought a bit of new insight into a couple of areas:

First, I found out that a job I was really hoping for was given to someone else. It was nice to get an explanation from the person who did the hiring as to why I wasn't chosen. They happen to be a long time friend of mine whom I have been doing business with over the course of running my store. The explanation was this: they were unsure that the job was really something I wanted vs. being a way to get out working my store all the time. I guess I didn't do a great job at letting them know just how interested I was. However, they let me know that should another position open up later this year that it is mine as long as I am still interested. Kind of a bummer, but I suppose it is for the best. That door wasn't meant to open which means another was is. They also pointed out that part of my inability to find a focus for my future lies in the fact that I have many interests and am very intelligent. It was really nice to have someone tell me that I can't find direction because I am capable of doing so many things. :) I hadn't ever looked at my situation from that prospective.

Secondly, we had our first weigh in at "Lose it for Life" tonight and I have lost 5 pounds in just 4 days! :) What a blessing! It reaffirms that I can indeed successfully follow this plan and that it isn't that hard to do. I am always concerned that diets won't work and I tend to easily tire of them. Well, so far so good! I should be able to continue on with enthusiasm. There are many weeks/months ahead and lots more work to do, but I am looking forward to it! :)

So, as I look to the future there are still unanswered questions, goals to reach, and lessons to learn about myself and many other things. I am only at the beginning of my journey and am looking forward to what all be will revealed as I travel down this self imposed road of self discovery, growth, and seeking the spirit.

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 8

Such a beautiful day in the neighborhood! Well, not really, but every day has it's own kind of beauty. Even in the gloom and rain, possibly even a bit of snow on the way. It does make it hard to find your "happy" when the sun won't shine. Isn't it funny how the weather can affect your outlook on things?

It also makes it difficult to not give in to the overwhelming urge to bundle up, hop under the covers, and take a nap. I am trying really hard to stay focused on my "Lose it For Life" study, weight loss plan, and excerise regimen. Changing into workout clothes and lacing up my tennis shoes to get my walk in for the day is not at the top of my list of things I choose to do today. Hopefully, once I get off of work I will remain motivated to hit the Y and get it over with. I know that I will feel better when I do.

Today's lesson focused on why Americans have such a love affair with food. With millions of overweight/obese citizens it is a pertinent question. Why do we eat so much? Our bodies need a lot less food to exist than what we consume. We should focus on eating to live...not, living to eat! This is what I am trying my best to wrap my brain around. More water, smaller portions, better foods, less takeout, etc, etc.

We should all try our best to be healthy both physically, mentally, and spiritually. There are no quick fixes for any of these. Hard work, determination, and life changes are involved. It would be great to magically snap our fingers and be thin, mentally fit, and full of the spirit. That's just it though...magic is simply not reality. We have grown so accustomed to "easy" that hard work is a foreign concept. Just think about it: we don't have to get up to turn the channel, we can cook dinner in the microwave in 5 minutes or less, we no longer have to watch commercials due to DVR, we can go to one store and get our groceries, buy CDS/DVDS, get our car repaired, landscape our homes, remedy our ailments and much more...Thanks Wal-Mart "said with sarcasm".

Life isn't supposed to be easy. We are supposed to use our brains, build our muscles, work for our paychecks, study the things that interest us, and spend time talking to loved ones. Do you remember when Sunday afternoons used to mean going around to actually visit with people. Iced tea, front porches, and dessert ruled the day...not sporting events, movies, and naps. Oh, to live the simpler life again. I think we would all be better off if we got back to the basics!

Hopefully I am on the right path in "fixing" a few areas where I have become lazy. I want to be a well rounded person...well figuratively. LOL! I want to not be well rounded physically :) All in hopes that I an become the person I want to be and that God has planned for me!

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 7

I suppose it is about time that I explain the title of my blog: Losing myself to find out who I really am...

One of the most important questions we can ever ask ourselves is, "Who am I?" This is also one of the most difficult to answer. Is who we are a compilation of our personality traits? Is it the sum of all we have/haven't accomplished in our lives? Is it molded by who our family and friends are? Can we truly change if we are unhappy or uncertain of the answer.

I think that all of the above factors play a role in who we are. The great thing is that the answer is completely up to us. We can choose to be told who we are or we can choose to figure it for ourselves. We can change things, keep things the same, add to what we currently are, or clean our slate and start anew. This is the time to lose myself and all preconceived notions about me and figure it all out and make my own rules :)

Being happy with who you are is essential to becoming the person you are meant to be. Without happiness what is there really? This is where I have been struggling for the past few years. I feel as if I have simply been going through the motions of my life. Doing what was I felt was expected of me, being the person that everyone thinks I am. Not that I disagree with some of their assessments, but there is more to me than meets the eye. Even my own eye.

I feel that there are great things in my future if only I can figure out how to get there. That is what this blog and my other avenues of self discovery are all about. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? How do I get there? How long will it take? Have I missed opportunities along the way? Will I get a second chance?

As you can see there are an infinite number of questions and few answers, but I have hope. Hope and faith that the answers are out there. I just have to be willing to hear the answers, read the signs, and take the opportunities that are presented to me. Who will I be? I am not sure of that just yet, but I am definitely looking forward to figuring it out. It will always be an ongoing process, but it's my life. It is up to me to make the most of it. No one else can live it for me!

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 6

Part of my self discovery revolves around growing spiritually. I am already doing a few things to work on this: daily devotional, writing out daily prayers, and then today I worked on two new approaches. First, I joined a church group designed to help you lose weight and work on self discovery through a study program. It is a good way to be held accountable since there will be weekly meetings to weigh in...not just on the scale, but on the study issues as well. I am really looking forward to seeing how the next 12 weeks go! :)

Secondly, we did a spiritual gift "inventory" at church tonight. Through a scaling system we evaluated 80 statements, then plugged them into a formula to see what some of our gifts may be. I wasn't all that surprised at the results, but a few of them will definitely give me some things to consider. It is one thing to think you will be good at something and another to truly evaluate where you can best utilize your gifts for the church. There will many mission opportunities this year and I am anxious to see which one(s) the Lord leads me to! Exciting!

I told my Sunday School group today that I feel like I am living inside a tornado. There is so much going on in my head, in my life, and hopefully in my future. As soon as I get a better hold on what's in store and how to plan for it I will feel better. Anxious is probably the best descriptor that I can come up with. Anxious for some peace. Anxious for some change. Anxious for some new beginnings. Anxious for my path to be made clear...at least clearer.

As I go along my journey it is very calming to know that there are people in my corner routing for me. They are there to advise, encourage, humble, listen, be a sounding board, question, and love me. How cool is that? Good thing too because before it is all said and done I know that I am going to need all that and more :)

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 5

It was such a nice day today. My mom turned 65 today so I took the day off of work to spend with her. We planned out decorations for a shower we are hosting for my cousin who got married, bought the necessary items, had a nice dinner with my dad and brother, and had a good time playing scrabble. She got a bit upset that I didn't let her win :) Sadly, my competitive bone is too strong!

During our day we spent time talking about the business we run together and many other life issues. One of our discussions focused on what I want to do with my life. Last week, the pastor at church gave a sermon on listening to God. Sadly, I don't feel that too many people do that anymore. We spend too much second guessing messages we get because we think, "surely not, that couldn't be what He wants me to do."

Many times over the years I have thought about learning more about the Bible and being a Christian. So much as it has crossed my mind to go to seminary. I wouldn't necessarily want to be a preacher, but possibly an education director (given my undergraduate degree in elementary education) or a chaplain at a nursing facility. I had never voiced this to anyone, but today out of the blue my mom says, "Have you ever thought about going to seminary?" Have I truly? No. Has it crossed my mind? Several times. Is this one of those times that God is talking to me? Am I willing to listen? Hmmmmm......

I got to thinking back over my life and some of the boys/men that I have been drawn to and/or dated. My first blind date when I was 15 is now a preacher, a high school friend and someone that I have always thought a lot of is now a pastor, a lifelong friend works in the ministry, and my one and only serious adult relationship was with an evangelical speaker. Seems to be that I am drawn to people of faith! Does that mean that I have some deeper feeling of wanting to look into serving the church myself? I don't know, but it is something to ponder on :)

As you can see I seem to have issue with finding my true calling: teacher, store owner/operator, some random unknown job yet to be determined, seminary, who knows what else may cross my mind. I hope to have the patience to figure it all out and do what is best for myself and where I can best utilize my spiritual gifts.

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 4

Birthdays...we each have one a year. This week is a big week for bdays within my friends/family circle. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, Sunday, Monday, and next Friday! Thank goodness everyone doesn't expect gifts or I would be broke :) As I think ahead to my birthday next month I have been struck with a few different thoughts: good grief, am I that old? , what have I done with my life thus far? , wow...I really am not that old at all! ...they run the gammit as you can see.

33...if you asked me at 18 what I would feel like fifteen years later I would have missed my actual life by a few miles. Oh, to be young and naive again! I thought for sure that I would be married with several children my now. I thought I would be doing well financially and live in a nice home in the country somewhere. "The best laid plans of mice and men..."

So, what have I done with my life so far? This is someting that is always on my mind. As I look at my world around me I don't feel that I have accomplished much. I have never been married. I don't have any children. I don't have that house in the country or a big bank account. This weighs heavily on my mind a lot. I want more from my life. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. I want all of the previously mentioned life milestones...what I have to embrace is that they'll come in time if it's the Lord's will.  Until then I need to be satisfied with what I do have. 

One of my very best friend's felt compeled a few weeks ago to write me a wonderful and encouraging letter. In it she spoke of the many ways in which she sees me as blessed: I have a college degree (whether I use it or not, no one can take it from me), I took the chance to follow a dream of opening my store, I have many wonderful friends/family members, my friends look to me in times of need becuase they know I will help in whatever way I am able, and I have many kiddos (blood related and not) that love their Aunt Tammy! She wanted me to know that even though I may not have some of the things I truly desire that I do have a lot!

As I read her letter over and over again, I began to realize that I need to find a way out of the pit I am in. I need to realize how great my life already is and will only be enhanced should I get all those things I deem as "missing" in my life. I need to be thankful...period. My focus needs to be on building better relationships. Both with those friends/family members I have now and with those people who are new in my life or that I haven't even met yet. I need to remember that I still have many things left in my life to look forward to.

33...the age Jesus was when he died for us! WOW...in comparison I haven't accomplished a lot :) However, I have many more years ahead of me to make my place in this world. The average person lives to about 80 years or so nowadays...that means I still have nearly 50 years yet to live! So, what I am complaining about? I have a great family, many wonderful friends, a roof over my head, food in my tummy, a great church family, and a loving Lord! Blessed am I :)

What lies ahead only the Lord knows, but when they time is right he will show me the way! Until then, I have to keep on keeping on. I have to work on loving me, loving those around me, learning about myself, learning about life, and seeking the gospel! Lots to do! Lots to do! Good thing I have time on my side to work on it all! 33...BRING IT ON!

God Bless,
Tammy

Day 3

One of those days when I don't have lots to say...just a ho-hum day that would be better spent napping. Snow falling for the past few hours, chilly temperatures, and the large desire to not be at work are making for a difficult afternoon. I am keeping myself busy though with placing orders, straightening shelves, and paperwork. On top of escaping boredom I am not feeling 100% today. It started last night with a bad back ache and has moved into all my joints :(

Looking forward to starting the new Bible Study/Weight loss program tonight. Well, if it is rescheduled due to the bad weather. I would like to get started on it and get a schedule for work out, diet, and quiet study time worked out.

Thought for the day: to make God happy we really don't have to try so hard...as today's devotional reminded me, Moses told us that as long as we Respect, Follow, Love, Serve, and Obey we are good to go. Some may think these are tall orders, but if you are living the life you ought to be they aren't difficult at all :)

God Bless,
T.

Day 2

Well, so far so good...2 days in a row. Let's see how many consecutive days I can do this. LOL!

So, yesterday I listed a few of my struggles...today I will talk about what I am doing to remedy these issues!

JOB- I have been reading books, searching the internet, taking online career quizzes, talking with friends, family, and God about it, posting resume on internet, etc. I got my teaching license reinstated (good through September of this year...will be permanent once I finish 9 more Master's hours), but I really don't want to go down that road again. I also interviewed for a position that I would really like to have. It is not like anything I have done in the past, but it has some connection to areas of expertise I have obtained over the past 6 1/2 years of running my business and a lifetime of being an organizational type person. No word yet, but it sounds pretty promising.

WEIGHT- I started back to the Y a month ago, but I still haven't gotten into a weekly groove of 4 or 5 days a week yet. Hopefully that will become a reality starting next week. Tomorrow I begin a weight loss program/Bible study with my parents and others at a local church. Envisioning myself after shedding many much needed to be gone pounds is thoroughly enticing...praying it is the kick start I need as well as a great motiviational and support system!

SPIRITUAL GROWTH- The past 5 months have been a blessing. Finding a place to worship that is welcoming, where those around you are seeking just as you are, that offers ways to grow in faith, and encourages you to be a better Christian is a definite plus. I plan to utilize the people, study sessions, and hopefully numerous mission opportunities offered this year to continue growing in faith :)

BEING SINGLE- well, it isn't like I can go the store and simply pick the best guy for me like a cantaloupe. What I can do is put myself in situations where I may find some suitable possibilities! I also need to make myself more available. I have been afraid of rejection for so long that I tend to close myself off and that needs to be remedied. No, I don't have plans to become a fluzy...just more open to possibility.

Here's to all the possiblities of 2011...may I gain insight, lose weight, find a new career path, and hopefully meet my potential other half!

Day 1

Losing myself...this is both figurative and literal. I like the person that I am, but I feel that there is room for improvement. I want to really know who I am even if that means losing little bits of who I was, I want to literally lose weight, I want to find my path in life, and most importantly I want to strengthen my relationship with God and find the best ways to use my spiritual gifts to serve Him :)

Here are some of my struggles. I know that some of mine are similar to those others have, some are personal, but all effect my day to day life in some fashion. It is time to stop letting my struggles define who I am and look for ways to combat these struggles and come out a better person on the other side. Life is a journey that doesn't end. Yes, our earthly lives come to an end eventually, but there is so much more after that and I want to be as prepared as I can for what lies ahead...both on Earth and in Heaven.

Struggle Number One: my professional life.

I don't regret leaving the field of teaching to pursue my dream of self-employment. Running my shop for the past 6 1/2 years has been fun, trying, often times infuriating, fulfilling, etc. What it is not: my lifelong ambition. I have been struggling for a few years with the age old question of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Books have been read, charts have been made, prayers have been prayed...still I don't know the answer. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to have been a woman of earlier decades whose professions were limited to stay at home moms, nurses, or school teachers. With so many opportunities out there knowadays making a decision is hard. Hopefully, I may be getting closer to an answer, but some things have to fall into place before I can test the waters!

Struggle Number Two: my weight

Thin people have their issues with self image just as those of us who are overweight do...the difference lies in that the outside world doesn't condemn thin people for being thin. Being overweight carries a public scrutiny with it. You feel as though everyone is talking about you, some rude people actually voice their distain, you can't enjoy simple luxuries like being able to buy that cute dress because most of the time it doesn't come in your size, you have such low self esteem that you "take what you can get" in certain situations (mainly relationship wise), and to top it all off you are prone to bad health.  Luckily I haven't fallen victim to all of the afore mentioned scenarios, but I have witnessed them all.

I think that my yo-yo weight is a direct result of losing weight for the wrong reasons: to fit into that cute dress, to avoid ridicule, or in hopes of catching the eye of a potential spouse. I need to do it for me, only me and for my life longevity. Most importantly I need to focus on losing weight so that I can feel good enough about me to do the things that I have always been scared to do: dance in public, flirt with that hot guy at the YMCA, buy that outrageous outfit, lay smack dab in the middle of the beach (not in that out of they way spot where hopefully no one will notice me), sing karaoke every chance I get...the list goes on.

Struggle Number 3: Spiritual "PIT"

Being raised in Kentucky means that I was raised in a church going home. We aren't Bible thumpers, but we are believers and we try to live our lives accordingly. I grew up in a Disciples of Christ church which is similar to Methodist. I grew up not judging other religions as long as they believed in Jesus Christ. It is a very liberal church...one that I have enjoyed, but there has been something missing. During the Fall of last year I started visiting a Singles Sunday school class at a local Baptist church. A good friend from high school is the Associate Pastor and had informed me of the class. That led to my staying for "big church"...yes I still call it that, Sunday night worship, and Wednesday night Bible studies. I am thoroughly enjoying learning the Bible more and delving into issues that I have wanted to know more about, but didn't have the guidance to do before. Will I switch memberships? Yet to be determined, but I am leaning toward yes. I feel at home in the church, I know many people who are members, I have met many great new friends, and that "something is missing" feeling is lessening all the time.

Struggle Number Four: being single

Figuring out that it is okay to be single is a tough acceptance. From the time you are small it is pounded into you that you need to be married to be happy. Do I believe this? Mostly. At least for me. All I have ever wanted was a husband and kids. It just hasn't been in the cards for me yet. Maybe it has nothing to do with me as a person, but more so with how I feel about me. Do I love myself enough to allow someone else to love me? Until I get more of my life figured out (in relation to the other struggles listed) I need to be content with being single. It isn't a condemnation...it simply is. One day, when the Lord is ready, I will find that special someone to go through life with. If my some day doesn't come, I need to know that God loves me and that should be enough...easier said than done.

Are these all my struggles? No, but they are the most pertinent ones. I hope that through reading this you find some peace in knowing that someone else feels the way you do. Someone else deals with what you deal with. Someone else is out there philosophizing over the same things you are. Feel free to email me or leave a comment...if I can help you, you'll probably be helping me at the same time :)

God Bless,
Tammy