Day 1

Losing myself...this is both figurative and literal. I like the person that I am, but I feel that there is room for improvement. I want to really know who I am even if that means losing little bits of who I was, I want to literally lose weight, I want to find my path in life, and most importantly I want to strengthen my relationship with God and find the best ways to use my spiritual gifts to serve Him :)

Here are some of my struggles. I know that some of mine are similar to those others have, some are personal, but all effect my day to day life in some fashion. It is time to stop letting my struggles define who I am and look for ways to combat these struggles and come out a better person on the other side. Life is a journey that doesn't end. Yes, our earthly lives come to an end eventually, but there is so much more after that and I want to be as prepared as I can for what lies ahead...both on Earth and in Heaven.

Struggle Number One: my professional life.

I don't regret leaving the field of teaching to pursue my dream of self-employment. Running my shop for the past 6 1/2 years has been fun, trying, often times infuriating, fulfilling, etc. What it is not: my lifelong ambition. I have been struggling for a few years with the age old question of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Books have been read, charts have been made, prayers have been prayed...still I don't know the answer. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to have been a woman of earlier decades whose professions were limited to stay at home moms, nurses, or school teachers. With so many opportunities out there knowadays making a decision is hard. Hopefully, I may be getting closer to an answer, but some things have to fall into place before I can test the waters!

Struggle Number Two: my weight

Thin people have their issues with self image just as those of us who are overweight do...the difference lies in that the outside world doesn't condemn thin people for being thin. Being overweight carries a public scrutiny with it. You feel as though everyone is talking about you, some rude people actually voice their distain, you can't enjoy simple luxuries like being able to buy that cute dress because most of the time it doesn't come in your size, you have such low self esteem that you "take what you can get" in certain situations (mainly relationship wise), and to top it all off you are prone to bad health.  Luckily I haven't fallen victim to all of the afore mentioned scenarios, but I have witnessed them all.

I think that my yo-yo weight is a direct result of losing weight for the wrong reasons: to fit into that cute dress, to avoid ridicule, or in hopes of catching the eye of a potential spouse. I need to do it for me, only me and for my life longevity. Most importantly I need to focus on losing weight so that I can feel good enough about me to do the things that I have always been scared to do: dance in public, flirt with that hot guy at the YMCA, buy that outrageous outfit, lay smack dab in the middle of the beach (not in that out of they way spot where hopefully no one will notice me), sing karaoke every chance I get...the list goes on.

Struggle Number 3: Spiritual "PIT"

Being raised in Kentucky means that I was raised in a church going home. We aren't Bible thumpers, but we are believers and we try to live our lives accordingly. I grew up in a Disciples of Christ church which is similar to Methodist. I grew up not judging other religions as long as they believed in Jesus Christ. It is a very liberal church...one that I have enjoyed, but there has been something missing. During the Fall of last year I started visiting a Singles Sunday school class at a local Baptist church. A good friend from high school is the Associate Pastor and had informed me of the class. That led to my staying for "big church"...yes I still call it that, Sunday night worship, and Wednesday night Bible studies. I am thoroughly enjoying learning the Bible more and delving into issues that I have wanted to know more about, but didn't have the guidance to do before. Will I switch memberships? Yet to be determined, but I am leaning toward yes. I feel at home in the church, I know many people who are members, I have met many great new friends, and that "something is missing" feeling is lessening all the time.

Struggle Number Four: being single

Figuring out that it is okay to be single is a tough acceptance. From the time you are small it is pounded into you that you need to be married to be happy. Do I believe this? Mostly. At least for me. All I have ever wanted was a husband and kids. It just hasn't been in the cards for me yet. Maybe it has nothing to do with me as a person, but more so with how I feel about me. Do I love myself enough to allow someone else to love me? Until I get more of my life figured out (in relation to the other struggles listed) I need to be content with being single. It isn't a condemnation...it simply is. One day, when the Lord is ready, I will find that special someone to go through life with. If my some day doesn't come, I need to know that God loves me and that should be enough...easier said than done.

Are these all my struggles? No, but they are the most pertinent ones. I hope that through reading this you find some peace in knowing that someone else feels the way you do. Someone else deals with what you deal with. Someone else is out there philosophizing over the same things you are. Feel free to email me or leave a comment...if I can help you, you'll probably be helping me at the same time :)

God Bless,
Tammy